Twitterverse

I've never been computer savvy by any stretch of the imagination. For years, the computer was to write papers, research for work, or send e-mails to friends I rarely got to see. But oddly, as I've gotten older the online world has found a niche in my life. It all started innocently when I "discovered" the Jericho message boards. Then a friend introduced me to Facebook and from there it was a short jump to Twitter.

Now I have Twitter friends. People I have never met, yet I speak with them daily. And I met them simply because we have a common interest: a scifi show called Caprica. So if I'm ever in Italy, Texas or New Brunswick; I'll have someone to visit. I'm learning to go green by reading blogs instead of getting books from the library.

My entire world view is changing, and not because of a single person I've met face-to-face. I think globally and investigate different viewpoints better than ever before. Being online has allowed me to understand why people are pro-life or atheists. It's easy to ask someone very personal questions when you can't see their face.

As I have risen, my husband has fallen. Once upon a time, you would hear me say "Make it work" (referring to the computer). Fast forward a decade, my husband comes home from work and asks me "What's Skype?" The truly scary thing is he expects me to know and I actually do.

I'm now an addict of the online world. I blog. I download torrents. I watch web series. The Guild is quite impressive. Somehow, this doesn't seem like me. But this isn't a bad new me, it's just a new me.

Going Green?

So I've decided our family shall go green. Problem is, I'm not really sure what that means. It's a completely amorphous goal that kind of feels like me saying and tomorrow I shall perform open heart surgery. Where do you start? How do you learn about this sub-culture/cult thing? Is recycling enough? How green to I have to be to make a difference? What does it mean to make a difference?

Honestly, I feel like an idiot. Here I have made this life style choice and I know virtually nothing about it. Green living is an all-encompassing thing. So do I take my family cold turkey into this unknown realm? I can't see my husband giving up his deodorant for a baking soda paste, and I definitely can't give up bananas (it's not like they're local produce in Washington).

How do I start? Well, thus far I've checked out a dozen books from the library in an attempt to absorb all the knowledge I need to begin my new life. I've learned some. A lot more than I knew a week ago. But there is a lot more to learn.

What started all this? It's been brewing in my head for years but I'm finally getting to the point in my life where I understand that even if it's not easy I can't be selfish. I have to find my balance with Mother Nature or my kids won't have a liveable world to raise their children in.

So back to the most basic question. How do I start? I think the books are a good beginning. And I've instituted Meatless Monday. From now on no meat in our Monday night dinner. It's not a lofty goal and it's a starting point. In a couple of weeks, the local farmer's market will begin and phase 2 will start. Our produce for the summer will come from local, sustainable farms.

I know it's not much but everyone has to start somewhere.

Confessions of a Cloth Diaper Heretic

I cloth diaper which gets me some odd looks when another mom at the park realizes this. They think I'm one of the granola crunching, hippie mommies of the island. But I harbor a dark secret. I am a cloth diaper heretic. Ask a person why they cloth diaper and generally what you hear is how much better it is for the environment and how much more natural it is for their baby's skin. But that's not why I do it. I cloth diaper because of how much money it saves me. To date with two kids I've probably saved almost $3000. That's a big hunk of change when one parent doesn't work.

Cloth diaper advocates say it's not disgusting. It is. But diapering in general is disgusting. Have a kid and whether you use cloth or disposables you are still dealing with urine and feces. Much like a zookeeper. So it's not much more disgusting and when you remember how much money you're saving that negates the nastiness. Mostly.

And yes, cloth diapering take more time. Not to diaper the kid but to wash the diapers and dry the diapers and then (in my case) to stuff the diapers. Have two kids in cloth diapers and you'll begin to fantasize about taking a sledge hammer to your washing machine. But with time, I've streamlined the process and accepted it is extra work.

As for the environmental aspect, I truly believe cloth diapering is less destructive to our ecosystem but it's still not perfect. The waterproof material used in many diapers (PUL) requires harsh chemicals to produce. Diaper washing uses a fair amount of water. But disposables use more chemicals and require more water than one cloth diaper that if properly maintained will last a long time. My kids are proof.

So despite being a heretic, I will continue to cloth diaper my brood. I don't sing it's praises from the highest mountain but I do like to tell people how much money I've saved.

The Grass is Always Greener

To be honest, a week never goes by that I don't ask myself Is this really my life? When I was growing up, I never imagined that one day I would be a stay at home mom. I was raised to believe I could do anything I wanted, even be president. But now in my 30s, I find myself at home raising children. Did I sell myself short? Or is this a good use of my master's degree? Recently, I had a conversation with another mom who gave up a good career to be SAHM. She raves about how much fun she's having and how she loves her life. I like my life but I'm can't rave about it.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and generally I love my husband. But I see my former classmates who work and have kids and still find time for yoga and girl's night out. A part of me wants that. But not all of me wants that. I'm not completely fulfilled being SAHM and I'm working on that. But I wonder if they're fulfilled? I know when I was working I was happy, but I can't honestly say I was fulfilled.

Part of my problem is how I came to be a SAHM mom. I'm a realist. When I married my husband I understood how his job worked. He works long hours, travels frequently and is relocated every 1-2 years. I understood I would often be a functional, single parent in new town where I knew no one. Working on top of that would have been very difficult. I can deal more easily with sometimes longing for a career than with leaving my kids in daycare for 40 plus hours a week. As the child of two working parents, I was sometimes shortchanged. That's part of being a working parent. So I guess, I choose to shortchange myself instead of my children?

There are days I throw myself a pity party and I say I shortchanged myself. But most days, I enjoy taking my kids to story time at the library, having laundry basket races through the house or dancing in the living room with them. I'll never be completely happy as a SAHM but for me that is normal. Being a SAHM is better than the alternative. Maybe someday I'll meet another mom who feels the same way. Life is compromise and like all people I need to accept that so I can move on and be happy.